Chaos

This morning was one of the lousiest mornings I have had in a long time. Take both of the really "good"things about being 4 years old and 20 months old and that was the mood of the boys today.

It is very nice to have two full blown tantrums in the street. It's even better when you can see your neighbour standing in his living room window watching the tantrums. It feels great when your child runs across the front grass and attempts to butcher your camellia with his light saber even though you warned him once to stop.

When I was driving Bear to Sunday School both Bear and Squirrel were screaming and crying in the back seat. Bear was angry because he lost the privilege of using his light saber. Squirrel was angry because the shoes he wanted to wear were so small I couldn't get them on his feet. I was on the verge of tears, and of laughter. That crazy, psychotic, holy-shit-I'm-going-to-lose-my-mind type of laughter. I had images of accelerating as fast as I could and slamming on the brakes, just to relieve some tension.

By the time I reached the church Squirrel was asleep, snot smeared across his face and tears glistening on his long eyelashes. After a humiliating attempt at parallel parking and a good hug Bear, happily suited up in his bee costume, made his way into the church like nothing had happened.

If I could cut out the morning, the day would have been nice. Life has just been stinking hard lately. Husband is working 10-12 hour days. He didn't work last Sunday afternoon, but he's been gone late every. single. day. since June 1st. He was out of town for 2 nights last weekend. It wears on a mother that is trying to balance the needs of two very different boys, care for a mammoth fur baby, and take care of the household chaos as well.

The chaos makes my brain hurt, and it makes me pissy. I almost imagine myself cleaning up my house in a forceful rage, to Bulls on Parade by Rage Against the Machine. It makes my kids and Husband pissy too. Husband says he thinks he married an impostor because when he met me my house was as neat and tidy and organized. That, it was.

I was also single. I got up every morning alone. I only had myself to cleanup after. There was no other adult leaving wet towels on the bed, or downstairs on the dryer. There was no hair stuck to the sink from one shaving his head. I didn't have to get up and make any one's lunch, or breakfast for that matter. I only had my own clothes to wash. Not my own, Husband's and two very active boys. Sometimes they go through 3 outfits a day. That's a lot of clothes.

Then, there are the toys. I try really hard to keep up on their playroom. Really, I do. You would think after stepping on army men or hotwheels with my bare feet that I would have learned my lesson. Anyone who has stepped on one of these knows what I mean. Not this mama, she hasn't learned her lesson. Their room is my absolute last priority. Bear has zero interest in helping - no matter how fun I make it. So if he wants to play in chaos, so be it.

I didn't have a dog when I lived alone. Here we have one gigantic behemoth of a dog who sheds hair 24-7. I swear I could make a small terrier out of all the hair that boy drops around the house every single day.

I also only had to feed myself. Cookbooks excited me. I'd get off on meal planning. Now, thinking of what to eat is just one more task I must complete. Is it healthy? Will the kids eat it? Will Husband eat it? Trying to make food that pleases three other people isn't easy. Especially when four year old tastes are involved.

Most importantly, I didn't have anyone else to entertain. I spend most of my days making sure that Bear and Squirrel are content and not bored. I could have a house that would make Martha Stewart seethe with jealousy if I just stuck my kids in front of the idiot box all day. It's important to me that we go places, see things, do things. I want my kids to remember their childhood that was full of adventures, climbing, swinging and sandcastles. I want them to take joy in having a picnic in nature, or french fries on the wharf. I know my own Mama did the best she could, but I remember cleaning, and more cleaning and Sesame Street.

So, my house is chaos most of the time. But it's clean, sanitary chaos. There may be toys strewn across the floor and jeans hanging off the kitchen chair, but baby, you can eat off my bathroom counter. That I make sure of!

My kids go a bit loopy when they're stuck indoors, and now with summer coming I can see many long sunshine filled days. I can't wait! And as a friend of mine just said to me last week "C'mon over. Just don't expect me to do the dishes or wash the floors for you."