Brothers

Squirrel came up from behind me, put his arm around my shoulder, and said "Hi See-hot" which means "Hi Sweetheart" in Squirrel language. My heart nearly exploded when he said that. I can't believe how full of happiness and joy my boy is. He walks around with a great big grin ALL THE TIME. He cries when he's been hurt or scared but all in all he's one happy kid.

He kissed me today too. A real kiss, not one of those open mouthed, slobbery, only appreciated by Mama type kisses. Bear was proud, he said "See, I kept showing him how to really kiss." Bear hugs and kisses his brother to no end. The credit is his!

One thing that was vitally important to me was to foster a good relationship between my boys from the start. There is a mom in our playgroup who's kids are twenty months apart. As long as I've known her the older has always beat the crud out of her younger sibling. The hair pulling, arm slapping, karate chops are rampant around those two. Their mother said to me "Someday your boys will be the same, you wait."

Sure, they'll fight. I'm not that delusional. I just feel like they already have a deep connection that will prevent them from picking on each other the way those kids from the play group do. Bear already feels bad when he's wronged his brother. He'll come to me with tears in his eyes and say "I was bad. I hurted my brother." I have him offer a hug, an apology and Squirrel will always hug back. Sometimes Squirrel will even assure Bear in a high-pitched voice that sounds a teeny bit like Mommy's "I forgive you brother". That brings on the giggles, a request to make Squirrel talk again, and the incident is forgotten.

How did I do to try to get them off to a good start? I had Bear talk to Squirrel when he was still in womb. When Squirrel was born we made a big deal about Bear's new role as Big Brother. Sometimes Squirrel would talk to Bear and say "I can't wait til you can show me how to play hotwheels" or "when I'm as big as you can I go on the slide?" When people would ask how Bear liked his brother I let him be honest about how he felt. When our play was interrupted by Squirrel I'd ask Bear if he could help me comfort him. If he didn't want to that was cool. He was happy for the most part, though he did bounce a car off poor baby's head one frustrating afternoon.

Like I said I know they'll fight. I just hope that I've planted some good seeds so that when they do fight, they'll also be able to make amends with ease.

Squirrel is seventeen months old. I asked Bear the other day if he remembered life without his brother. He doesn't. He also told me last night that he loved his brother, and we should never get rid of him.

Good plan!

My Jedi

I told Bear that I couldn't believe he was turning four in two weeks. I told him it almost made me want to cry.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because you're not a baby anymore" I told him.

"Mommy" he said, cupping my face "Don't you want me to grow up, be a Jedi and get bad guys?"

"I think it would be good if you could catch bad guys" I replied.

"Then you're going to have to let me get big." he said, with a kiss.

Where does the time go? This time four years ago I didn't even know him as Bear. He was just "the baby". Now he's four and he is going to be a Jedi Knight?

And Squirrel.... Squirrel said "No" today. I handed him some food, I can't remember what. He shook his head and said "No". He's seventeen months old now. He's my last baby. He takes my hand and leads me to their playroom, points to the light and says "this" for me to turn it on. When I turn it on he says "ta koonk" which means thank you. He leads me the colander we keep the bananas in and says "this anana?" Next thing you know he'll be wanting to pee on the toilet like his brother.

I have to admit sometimes I wish they were older so I could have a bit more independence. I forget what it is like to go for dinner and not sit on pins and needles waiting for the dreaded "he's screaming and screaming and will die from the screaming if you don't come soon" phone call. I forget what it's like to go for dinner AND a movie. I don't think I've had a solid night sleep in four years. I don't bother with dresses as they are impractical when you are nursing. I MISS dresses. I love nursing, but sometimes I'd really love to have my boobs back. I know it's not about me, but sometimes I want it to be about me.

Conversations like I had with Bear tonight make me want to suspend time forever. I don't care about me, or wearing dresses or having a peaceful night out with Husband. I just want to love every stage as it comes.

OK Bear

So I did it. I picked an album and I went with OK Bear. I'm just listening to the first song and it's all I expected and more. There is something about Jeremy Enigk's music. It's like the after part of coming home on a shitty day, soaking wet because you forgot your umbrella, and chilled to the core because that's what the West Coast rain is like. When you get home you put on the familiar warm sweater and comfy pants. You drink some peppermint tea, maybe plug in your Christmas lights, or light some candles and eat some gingersnaps.

I like the title too. OK Bear. I say "OK Bear" several times a day.

He had his feelings hurt today. There is nothing like the gut punch of seeing your child crushed by the meanness of another child. To most people the situation would have been minor. There were two boys at the top of this big fort at the playground. They were probably about seven. Attached to this fort was a tube slide. One of the boys was sitting in the slide. Bear looked up the slide and said "Hi!" and the kid snapped back "Don't". It was pretty mean and harsh and stung me. Bear looked at me with his tear filled green eyes. He wanted to go home. I wanted to shake my fist at them and yell "Why I oughta!" Hmmm. Probably not the best thing I could do, but I sure felt it. Mom says once she was so upset at some kids teasing me she chased them down the street with a can of tomato soup. She says she had no idea what she thought she would do with the soup. I'm sure those kids still sit around and talk about it. "Remember that psycho on ABC Street that chased us with that can of soup?" I snicker to myself as I think about it. Mom always stuck up for us kids.

Bear lay on the grass emotionally defeated. He wanted to leave. It's hard to explain to a four year old that some people are grouchy, or don't know how to use their words, or just plain jerks. It's hard to watch your boy slowly realize that not everybody is a friend. It sucks.

It was such a beautiful day and Squirrel nor our play dates were ready to leave yet. So I did the first thing that came to mind. In our friend's stroller a special woolen baby bunny was sleeping. The bunny arose with dismay because her new friend Bear was sad. She lovingly pecked all the yucky feelings off Bear, til he was laughing and ready to play. We played for another hour and stopped by a pond to feed some ducks. It was a lovely afternoon. It even made me forget for a short while that I crunched the front bumper to the family car earlier that morning.

I want my Cesspool

I have an itunes card that Husband put in my stocking this past Christmas and have decided that I am hungry for some new music. I've tossed a few ideas around my head. I've thought Gershwin, or maybe that old Nirvana unplugged album I lost so many years ago. I stumbled upon a new Jeremy Enigk album called OK Bear. Intriguing, and I am so close to buying it.

Out of curiosity I looked up Blenderhead. I haven't heard Prime Candidate for Burnout in about ten years. I had it on tape but my tape deck broke. Then I lost the tape. I would LOVE to hear the song Cesspool. It was my anthem in Grade 12. Every morning I'd clip on my baby barrettes, hide my fake nose ring in my compact and lace up my army boots to the song. Stop, rewind and listen. Repeat, and repeat and be late for school because I had to hear it one. more. time.

Tonight I FOUND that album on itunes. I nearly jumped out of my chair in excitement til I was deflated like a popped balloon. It was on the itunes US site. Fat lot of good that does me living in Canada. Does the Canada site have it? NO. No, they don't. They have other Blenderhead albums, ones I already have on CD. I don't need those. I want Prime Candidate for Burnout. WAAAH.

I'm going to sulk for awhile, throw on some Hayden so I can get really depressed, and make a decision.

Five Years and Counting

My anniversary is in a few days. I've been married five years. I find that so hard to believe. Where have the years gone? It was seven years ago last August that I met Husband. I was looking at some pictures of us from back then and MAN have I aged. I was twenty-five when we met. I'm going on thirty-three. When my Mom was thirty-three she had a teenager. I'm just starting out.

I was thinking about how much has happened since we got engaged. We were engaged just two months after Grandma died. We were married seven months after we got engaged. We sold my townhouse after we got married and I moved into my husband's rental. In August we moved from his rental into the house we were renovating. I found out I was pregnant a week before we moved, and had Bear in April. That's a busy year for anyone - marriage, two moves, a reno and a kid.

At two years of marriage, and with our one year old Bear, we sold that house and moved into a rental. Five months after that we moved to a new city. We rented here because we wanted to know the city before we bought. We were skeptical at first because the market was shaky, and we didn't want to be out of it for long. It turns out we were smart to do so. We bought our house from our neighbours! I had always looked at this house and thought it would be ours some day. When Dot, the woman who lived here couldn't live alone any more, we offered to buy it. She is an awesome lady. She lived alone 'til she was ninety-three!

The summer before Squirrel was born we bought our house we are in now. It needed extended renovations. There was no way I was living with wallpaper in the shower, thirty year old orange-red carpet with runners duct taped to it and a leaky sunroom. Many people thought I had lost my mind to allow an extensive reno again. Especially since I was pregnant. I didn't mind at all. Besides, it's what Husband does best. He's done a beautiful job. We were in this house six weeks when Squirrel was born - on his due date. The renovations are ongoing, but 2009 passed kinda sorta uneventfully. It was busy, but just regular life sort of busy. Money was tight and Husband worked a lot to compensate.

We were hoping for a quieter year this year. A better year. It started off with Husband getting hosed out of $3000. Yep, $3000 of lost wage. We have been blessed with a loan - a no interest loan, from a generous relative. Still, the stress of the loss and the insult of it has taken it's toll. Husband isn't a Christian and the man that contracted him to do the job is. Doesn't really help Husband's opinion that most Christians are hypocrites. I figure I can do two things - pray for Husband and pray for my *enemy*. OR - I could be a rage machine and think of ways to vindicate our loss. I am so praying that God will work in the guy's heart but sometimes I have visions of spray painting his nice mansion in The Uplands with graffiti or letting the air out of the tires on his car. Those who know me well know that I wouldn't even have the guts to toilet paper his house. Besides, it wouldn't be setting a good example to Husband. Or my kids.

Then, there was that lump on my head. The lump the size of a pear cut in half on the back of my head. The one that caused to pain in my neck. The lump that changed me from loving, gentle Mommy to the biggest bitch on the block. The one my doctor called "totally harmless and just a nuisence". After three visits to the doctor Husband was so fed up he came with me and was mortified by our doctor. Doctor even claimed he didn't know how to fill out one of the new ultrasound forms. GAK! Are you kidding me? It was then that we decided to go to the ER. That nuisence lump on the back of my head was an abscess. It landed me in the hospital for four days. It sucked for us as a family because of more lost wages. It sucked for my kids because I was suddenly gone. Poor Squirrel. I wasn't even allowed to nurse him because of the morphine and strong antibiotics. It was near traumatizing to have my head poked open and drained of the poison that was trapped inside me. I say near because of the morphine. Morphine injected into the IV is an instant high. I've never done drugs. I tried pot once in the stupidest form possible. I swallowed a roach and chased it with half a bottle of vodka. Morphine in the IV was pretty close to that feeling.
The hospital stay was only a week ago, but it feels like ages ago.

Our lives these past five years have been so busy and ever changing. I've had odd moments when I've wondered "What on earth did I do?" Have you ever just sat and watched your kids sleep? My boys sleep in our bed. I have awesome pictures of them sleeping, their legs twisted up in the sheets. Sometimes Squirrel's head will be on Bear's stomach or Bear will have his hands cupping Squirrel's head. When I see this, I think "Wow, God, you sure knew what you were doing." I wouldn't change this life for all the peace and tranquillity in the world.

Thoughts on Grace (and my lack of)

Today, by far has been one of the most challenging days we have had in a long time. I'd be capping it off with a nice big glass of rum and coke, except that would really screw me up considering all the meds that I am on. I don't feel like also capping my day off with an ambulance ride to the ER for a charchol milkshake.

If there is one thing that I would like to do for my children, it is to emulate the love and grace of Jesus. I try to do this every day. Today (actually make that the last few weeks) have been so hard for me. I'm afraid I've really screwed up. I am in so much pain. It makes me forget myself. I feel like an injured dog that growls and shows his teeth any time someone tries to touch him. My patience is low. I'm yelling more, shaming more and quite bluntly I'm a bitch to be around. I am so glad that Squirrel seems to be untouched by this. He is still toddling around the house, so full of joy. He has a beautiful smile.

Bear on the other hand, is reacting to this bump in our road. He is pushing his boundaries, and I'm pushing back. OK, I'm shoving back. I made him cry a number of times today. He's been so angry he's bringing on the Kung Fu (thanks Iron Monkey). What a horrible struggle it has been.

Tonight as I lay beside him (in his little bed he used to shun WOOT!) he wrapped his arms around me and said "Soon Mama, I will be able to hug you so tight. I love you so much - so much that Daddy's tires on his truck blast off to Neverland and land on Jesus. " (insert GCM crying emoticon). He told me "even though I was so angry, I still really love you, OK?"

My boy never ceases to amaze me. How can such a young heart be so full of grace for a mean old mama like me? He tells me that he still loves me, and that he likes me and can't wait for me to not feel pain when his arms are wrapped around my neck. God has given him such a huge and caring heart. I pray that God will help me foster this in my son, and I pray that my stupid selfish outbursts will have a minimal effect on his sensitive heart.

I think I also have to remember how gracious God is. I can almost see Him lifting me up into His arms so that we are face to face. He picks the gravel out of my knees, bandages my wounds, and with a kiss, He sends me on my way. This is why I love Him so much.