Who am I?

I think that everybody freaks out when they find their first gray hair. I know I did. Then I dyed my hair and went on my plucky little way. A few days ago I drew my hair back into a stubby ponytail. It's at the just long enough stage to draw back and keep out of my face. For the first time in, I don't know, 4 months I looked at the back of my head. I didn't see one or two gray hairs. I saw a clump. A large clump. Gray and fat and long, just like Pepe fucking La Pew.

I've come to realize that I've gotten old the last few years. I used to be so light hearted and fun. I've become a stormy little rain cloud the last few years. What the hell happened to me? I don't expect myself to be all sunshine and lollipops. It's just that lately I've become cold rainstorm and mosquito bites.

I've also realized that I wished away a good portion of my 20s. I was so insecure. Security for me, was staying at home. I didn't have to worry about what I wore, how I looked, and who I impressed. Home was comfort. I remember I couldn't wait to be older, so I could have kids and stay home. Now I miss going out.

I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way of wishing I was older. I think I tried so hard to find myself that I still don't know who that is anymore. I know who I'd like to be. I know what I wish I was like. I sometimes don't feel comfortable in the shoes I've put on. I know I'm not a knee high boots kind of girl. I'm a flip-flops girl. And I love my cloth gong-fu shoes that my brother found in Fan-Tan Alley.

I know that I no longer like blouses, or things like that. I don't think I ever did really like them. I like t-shirts, mostly with a little capped sleeve. I like jeans. I like skirts too, but it has to be the right skirt. I love hoodies. I love that you can hide in them. I love that you can find hoodies that you can still be girl in. I hate shorts. My legs are so nasty in shorts. My legs remind me of a chicken, turkey drumstick. Fat on the top and skinny on the bottom.

I want to re-pierce the second holes in my ears and replace them with white gold hoops. My ears turn green if I don't put good stuff in them. I love my nose ring and I will never take it out.

I have two tattoos. I have one on my lower back, of a Celtic knot. I have a flower on my shoulder which I hate. I want to cover it with two flowers, a daisy for Bear and a chrysanthemum for Squirrel. I haven't found the perfect look, but I want it to be sort of 1940s style.

That a little bit of what I know about me. It seems to be such a shallow depiction of who I am. I don't really get to the core of who I am. I thought I would have figured it out by now. I guess I haven't.