Ramblings......

I was thinking today about the course my life has taken. I have wanted to be a wife and a mother for as long as I can remember. When I was in Grade 3 my teacher once asked me "Amanda, what on EARTH do you dream of all day?" I looked up at her with stars in my eyes and said "My Wedding Day!" That of course was followed by a classroom of hysterical laughter. Then teasing and speculation of who this boy in my dreams was....

There were so many other things that I wanted to be:

I wanted to be a nurse, until I realized this also included bedpans and barf and being responsible for somebody's medication, changing the dressing on wounds, weird smells, long hours and shit pay.

I wanted to be a teacher but I don't think I have the patience for other people's kids.

When I was 9 I saw an episode of Private Benjamin and wanted to be in the Army. Yep, the Army. Combat did not occur to me because in my mind WWII was the last war the world would ever see.

I wanted to go to school to be a chef. I like to cook. I'm good at it. I'm not so good with pressure.

I had a cop phase, when I wanted not only be a cop, but an undercover cop. Thank you 21 Jump Street! The thought of me being a cop is hilarious. I'm short, don't weigh a whole lot, am pretty sensitive, never kicked anyone's ass in my life and I am completely out of shape.

I of course never became any of those. I am a stay at home mom. A domestic engineer. A homemaker. A housewife.

I cook, clean, fold laundry (or make a sad attempt at doing so). I vacuum less than I should, mop even more less, and try to stay on top of the bathroom. Some days I don't do much of this. I would make June Cleaver cry. The role of "housewife" has changed so much.

I sometimes wonder if it was really so much like it was portrayed on Leave it To Beaver and other shows of the era. I'm thinking the 1950's stereotype of a woman waiting by the door, pipe and sherry in hand for Husband Dear. Was she really all neat and tidy? Were the kids washed and patiently waiting for their dinner, which was already made? When the kids wanted to go out and play after dinner did they really say "Ah Gee!" when Pop said no? Really?

When Husband comes home the kids are rarely clean. One of them will have the recent snack smeared across their face. They're tired. I certainly am not waiting by the door with a pipe, and if I had a glass in hand it would be empty, because I drank the sherry, or more likely rum and diet coke, that was inside. I am not neat and tidy - my hair probably hasn't been brushed in hours. Bear doesn't blurt out "Ah Gee!" when we tell him he can't play Star Wars after dinner. I can't imagine what June would think when she saw his reaction.

If my family was anything like a 1950's TV family they wouldn't be mine. Husband finds my disorganization and messiness frustrating and brain scattering. I find it imperfect, yet endearing. It's not that I don't care. I do care. I'd love to have a clean house at all times. I do care that the fridge stinks because something is rotting in there and I don't know what. I care that there is dog hair on the floor. Yes, it is weird that there is a bottle of perfume with a missing cap on my counter. Messy faces - meh. It's part of childhood.

I do care that my kids experience life. I love to take them out to the park, or the petting zoo. I like going on walks and telling them the names of flowers. I like taking them downtown to experience urban culture - street performers, tourists, cool stores, good food. How can you NOT go to the beach at least once a week when you live as close to the ocean as we do? The thing is, if I was stuck at home with a duster in hand we wouldn't do these things. These things are so much more important than a clean house.

Besides, most stay at home Mamas know that the monotony staying home all day, day in and day out only ends in a trip to Rancho Relaxo. Or a sanatorium, if you lived back then.