My Jedi

I told Bear that I couldn't believe he was turning four in two weeks. I told him it almost made me want to cry.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because you're not a baby anymore" I told him.

"Mommy" he said, cupping my face "Don't you want me to grow up, be a Jedi and get bad guys?"

"I think it would be good if you could catch bad guys" I replied.

"Then you're going to have to let me get big." he said, with a kiss.

Where does the time go? This time four years ago I didn't even know him as Bear. He was just "the baby". Now he's four and he is going to be a Jedi Knight?

And Squirrel.... Squirrel said "No" today. I handed him some food, I can't remember what. He shook his head and said "No". He's seventeen months old now. He's my last baby. He takes my hand and leads me to their playroom, points to the light and says "this" for me to turn it on. When I turn it on he says "ta koonk" which means thank you. He leads me the colander we keep the bananas in and says "this anana?" Next thing you know he'll be wanting to pee on the toilet like his brother.

I have to admit sometimes I wish they were older so I could have a bit more independence. I forget what it is like to go for dinner and not sit on pins and needles waiting for the dreaded "he's screaming and screaming and will die from the screaming if you don't come soon" phone call. I forget what it's like to go for dinner AND a movie. I don't think I've had a solid night sleep in four years. I don't bother with dresses as they are impractical when you are nursing. I MISS dresses. I love nursing, but sometimes I'd really love to have my boobs back. I know it's not about me, but sometimes I want it to be about me.

Conversations like I had with Bear tonight make me want to suspend time forever. I don't care about me, or wearing dresses or having a peaceful night out with Husband. I just want to love every stage as it comes.