Thoughts on Grace (and my lack of)

Today, by far has been one of the most challenging days we have had in a long time. I'd be capping it off with a nice big glass of rum and coke, except that would really screw me up considering all the meds that I am on. I don't feel like also capping my day off with an ambulance ride to the ER for a charchol milkshake.

If there is one thing that I would like to do for my children, it is to emulate the love and grace of Jesus. I try to do this every day. Today (actually make that the last few weeks) have been so hard for me. I'm afraid I've really screwed up. I am in so much pain. It makes me forget myself. I feel like an injured dog that growls and shows his teeth any time someone tries to touch him. My patience is low. I'm yelling more, shaming more and quite bluntly I'm a bitch to be around. I am so glad that Squirrel seems to be untouched by this. He is still toddling around the house, so full of joy. He has a beautiful smile.

Bear on the other hand, is reacting to this bump in our road. He is pushing his boundaries, and I'm pushing back. OK, I'm shoving back. I made him cry a number of times today. He's been so angry he's bringing on the Kung Fu (thanks Iron Monkey). What a horrible struggle it has been.

Tonight as I lay beside him (in his little bed he used to shun WOOT!) he wrapped his arms around me and said "Soon Mama, I will be able to hug you so tight. I love you so much - so much that Daddy's tires on his truck blast off to Neverland and land on Jesus. " (insert GCM crying emoticon). He told me "even though I was so angry, I still really love you, OK?"

My boy never ceases to amaze me. How can such a young heart be so full of grace for a mean old mama like me? He tells me that he still loves me, and that he likes me and can't wait for me to not feel pain when his arms are wrapped around my neck. God has given him such a huge and caring heart. I pray that God will help me foster this in my son, and I pray that my stupid selfish outbursts will have a minimal effect on his sensitive heart.

I think I also have to remember how gracious God is. I can almost see Him lifting me up into His arms so that we are face to face. He picks the gravel out of my knees, bandages my wounds, and with a kiss, He sends me on my way. This is why I love Him so much.